Moody Rudy
Look at this thing. LOOK AT IT! It's mesmerizing in the oddest and creepiest way possible. I digitized this ad off of an old VHS collection of Gumby episodes, the tape being probably one of the first commercial tapes we ever bought, so it's circa early to mid-80s. All I've been able to gather about it is that Moody Rudy was a toy made by Art Clokey, creator of Gumby. It wasn't very successful. I swear, though, the fun a person could have these days doing a simple stop-motion animation with Moody Rudy and a digital camera would be indescribable. I bet I can't find one on Ebay, though. Popping over...nope. Every time I've looked for one, it's never to be found. Sigh.

1986 - Karate Kommandos
So I understand you kids today have made Chuck Norris into the new William Shatner. I guess Chuck Norris is incrementally cooler, though, because Shatner never had a doll from Kenner made in his image that does karate chops, as you will see.

1996 - Hello Kitty Princess Jewelry Box
It's Hello Kitty, and it's a battery-operated jewelry box, therefore it's precious and pink and pretty and ever so cute! It makes me want to own one, if instead of a tiara inside there was an iPod or something.

1986 - Colgate Pump Toothpaste
This is the best toothpaste commercial for kids ever. The visuals are aces, the music is incredibly catchy, and, I mean, ska for kids! Who can't like that?

1985 - G.I. Joe Hovercraft
From Hasbro, a commercial for a good playable toy for the G.I. Joe fan.

1995 - Zog Logs
These Nickelodeon-branded things look pretty neat, if I was a kid when they came out I would have wanted a whole bunch of them. I gather from a Googling of them that they were based on a pretty simple kind of packing peanut that dissolves in water, so in this case you'd get part of the Zog Log wet, and then when it stuck to another Zog Log, they'd kind of melt together a little.

1983 - Mr. T
"I hate bullies!" A short commercial for the Mister T cartoon that aired Saturday mornings on NBC circa 1983. (For those who somehow blinked and missed it -- each week, Mr. T and his young, multicultural gymnastic team would learn valuable lessons about keeping fit and fighting crime -- and, at least once in a while -- shake hands with Alvin & the Chipmunks!)

1996 - Big Bad Beetleborgs
An ad for this brief Fox network kid's program. It seems to have not much appeal. I am fascinated by the guy who's a mime-colored cross between Jay Leno and Elvis.

1985 - Modifiers
A toy car which could be, as per the name, modified to have different wheels, different transmissions, mufflers, etc., for the budding NASCAR driver in your family. It looks moderately fun, but I think it was for really little kids.

1985 - M.A.S.K.
Never watched it myself.

1983 - Action Park
All my Northeast viewers, here's a little treat especially for the New Jersey contingent; a commercial for Action Park. It's not called Action Park anymore, not after there were some fatalities and many injuries there not long after this commercial was aired. I like the analysis of the park offered at the following site:
http://www.freezerbox.com/archive/print.php?id=235
And I have to say, when you see this commercial, you can see what is meant about how unsafe and risky it all looks.
Is that a very young Jay Mohr at the end of the ad? It sure looks like him, and he was born in New Jersey about an hour away from the park. I'm inclined to say yes it is.

1987 - Lazer Tag
This toy really should have come in paired sets, because you can imagine the disappointment when a kid got one of these for Christmas, and nobody else in the neighborhood did.

1987 - Talking Whiz Kid
You can see here what kids had to get by with before computers became so cheap parents decided to hand down their old ones to their offspring when buying a new one. I like the phrase "computer-like" used, it makes me think of "cheese food" in that looks-like-but-isn't sense.

1985 - Tomy Omnibot
You have to wonder, you just have to wonder, what kind of person's dystopian vision of the future (as seen in 1985) not only has robots, but HOMELESS robots sleeping in the subway.

1988 - Coleco Couch Potato Pal
Because some people will buy literally anything.

1995 - Magic School Bus Body Safari
More toys for kids like this one, please. You can walk across the nerve bridge uniting the lobes of the brain. You can open up a BRAIN, split it in half and wiggle eyes from the inside. And it isn't even some elaborate revenge fantasy by a supernatural serial killer. It's educational!

1995 - Reboot toys
I love Reboot, and I wish I'd actually watched the tapes these are coming from instead of just fast-forwarding past the ads. I would have known I could have gotten a jointed Hexadecimal action figure.

1995 - Bundle of Babies
Awwwwww, they grow up so quickly these days, our little girls do. Turn around, turn around, turn around and they're, well, still little girls, but with their first set of quintuplets to nurse. But it's okay, because it's America, and that means when you have quints, you get Free Gifts! So, have babies and get stuff given to you, there's the lesson this commercial teaches.
Stroller Not Included. A phrase that ought to be taught in every sex ed class.

1994 - Spawn
Surely, surely, considering how complicated and spikey these toys appear to be, these things must have held the world's record for Most Likely To Need A Choking Hazard Warning and Most Likely To Finally Be The Toy That'll Put Someone's Eye Out.